27 April 2011

The age of the countries

A few years ago some friends of mine and I were discussing a little article we stumbled upon titled something like “The age of the countries” I have searched through the internet and have found the original Spanish version. I think it is quite brilliant and have taken the liberty of translating it. I’m not sure who is the author of the original text as it has been played with over the years and new versions have sprung up. I have retouched and added several parts as per the discussion my friends and I had that night.

In order to understand the theory behind the age of the countries we need to first understand the “age of the dogs’ concept”. It is known worldwide that to determine the real age of a dog we multiply the human years the dog has by 7 that number would equal the age of the dog in “dog years” Therefore a dog that in human years is 2 years old, in dog years would be 14 years old (2x7). A 5 year old dog in human years would be a (5x7) 35 year old dog in dog years and so on.

The theory applies to countries in a different way. Basically we take the age of the country and divide it by 14, that will give us the equivalent of the country age in “human years”. Argentina for example was born in May 1810, therefore it’s almost 201 years old. You take 201 and divide it by 14 and it gives you 14 years and 3 months. Argentina is therefore 14 years old. With this theory we can then start unravelling a few things about the country in question. What do 14 year old kids do? Well, they are basically rebellious teenagers, wankers, talk back without thinking what they are saying, lack memory and keeps changing their mind... a true description of the Argentina of current times.

Argentina and its 3 teenage friends (Brazil, Uruguay and Paraguay) started a rock band called the “Mercosur”. They play in a garage, make a hell of a racket, threat and shout, but have never made a CD or had a radio hit. Venezuela, the 14 year old choir girl has recently joined them.
Mexico is also a teenager, a descendant of the Mayas. It laughs little and instead of occasionally smoking marijuana like the wild teenagers of the south it prefers to chew peyote. Mexico hangs around with a retarded 17 year old that goes by the name of United States. United States loves to go around the neighbourhood harassing and stealing from the 4-6 year olds.

On the other side of the world we have China. China is an 85 year old woman. Conservative and with a strong smell of mothballs she spends her time eating rice. She has a very naughty and troublesome grandchild named Taiwan. She used to be married to Japan, an old man with a bad temper, but they are now divorced. Japan is going out with Philippines a young woman that is happy to do anything for money.

Then we have the countries that have just recently become adults. They still live at home and drive around in their parents BMW’s. Australia and Canada still enjoy the security of Father England and Mother France. These kids are upper class and have had a strict formal education. Recently they have become a little more independent and after schoolies at the Gold Coast (were Australia got totally sloshed) have sent their formal posh ways to hell. Australia is a sexy young woman that has just turned 18. She loves to go around topless enjoying the sunshine, the beach and drinking a lot of beer. Canada is the “out of the closet” gay brother of the family. He dreams of adopting a son, Greenland, and making a weird modern family that is so in these days.

France is a divorced woman, 36 years old. She is a total whore but is well respected in her professional field. She has a 6 year old son, Monaco, who is gay or a ballet dancer… or both. France is sporadically Germany’s mistress. Germany is a rich truck driver who is married to Austria. Austria knows that Germany cheats on her, but she does not mind.
Italy has been a widow for a long time. She lives looking after San Marino and Vatican, her two Catholic sons who are identical to the Flander twins. Italy was once married to Germany, but their marriage lasted very little (they had Switzerland) Italy would like to be a woman like Belgium: a lawyer, independent, that wears pants and talks politics with other men as an equal. Belgium sometimes dreams of being like Italy and being able to prepare the most fantastic spaghetti’s.
Spain is a beautiful lady, already hitting 40+. It likes to go topless and drunk through life. It often lets England have his way with her and then later complains.
Spain has children in many places. Her children live far away. Most are around 14 years old. She loves them very much, but often becomes upset when they become hungry and came to open her fridge while visiting her for a while.

Another that has children all over the place is England. It often sneaks out at night on a boat and screws all the young women in far off neighborhoods. After 9 months there are new Islands that appear in the world. The new Islands live with their mother, but England generally does not abandon them and adds them to his large and extended family that goes by the surname of Commonwealth.
Ireland and Scotland, England’s brothers, live upstairs. They spend their lives drunk and they don’t even know how to play football. They are the embarrassment of the family.

Sweden and Norway are two 40 year old lesbians. All they do is work, screw and ski. They ignore everyone and live their lives. They have a Masters in something or the other. Sometimes they join Holland for some fun (marihuana related) other times they become hysterical with Finland, an introvert 30 year old man who lives alone in an attic with pine furniture and spends all his time talking on his Nokia mobile phone with South Korea.

South Korea lives staring at the eyes of her schizophrenic sister. They are sisters, but the one called the North fell on her head when she was small and is now retarded. She spent her childhood using guns and bombs and now lives alone, is mentally unstable and unpredictable. The retarded 17 year old United States keeps an eye on her, not because it is afraid, it merely wants to steal her guns.

Israel is a 62 year old intellectual that had a shitty life. He has always had a hard life, but in the last few years it has become unbearable. A few years ago, the truck driver Germany, did not see him and run him over. Since that day Israel is crazy. Now, instead of reading books it spends most of its time up in the balcony throwing stones at Palestine, a young women that is trying to do the laundry next door.

Irak and Iran are two 16 year old cousins. They stole motorbikes and sold them on the black market. One day they stole a Harley Davison that belonged to the retarded kid United States and their business was over. Now they spend most of their time sitting in the shade eating their snot.

The world was surviving in this state until out of the blue, Russia hooked up with Perestroika and they had like a dozen and a half children. They were all weird, some retarded, others schizophrenic. Now we discover that thanks to deaths and betrayals in that abnormal family there are children countries like Kabardino-Balkaria… a messed up family indeed!

I ask myself, why are more countries being born if the ones we already have are not functional? Is it time that countries seriously start considering birth control?

1 comment:

Lici said...

By the time I got to the Koreas, I was giggling uncontrollably. Thanks for posting. =)